


Bobby CollegePants

by PrincessPlantasaurus



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), The SpongeBob Musical - Various/Anthony & Coulton/Jarrow
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Based on the musical not the cartoon, But takes cartoon influences
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-01 17:41:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13299921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessPlantasaurus/pseuds/PrincessPlantasaurus
Summary: Human College AU based on the musical. Slice of life/vignette storytelling.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Stealing from other works I've seen, using humanized names for some of the characters  
> In order of appearance:  
> Edward = Squidward  
> William = Squilliam  
> Bobby = SpongeBob  
> Mr. Krabs and Plankton are going by their first names, Eugene and Sheldon, respectively.  
> Patrick, Karen and Sandy are...Patrick, Karen, and Sandy.

 

The absolute last thing Edward wanted was to move into a three bed dorm. He was having enough difficulty in his two person room. Though, to be fair, a lot of that had to do with his roommate, who he honestly, truly  **_loved_ ** until the third day of Frosh week, but that was another matter in and of itself. Long story short: don’t room with your high school boyfriend in college.

 

Lugging everything he had with him in eight duffle bags, he dragged himself across the floor to his new room. He swore he could still hear William laughing at him with each inch he shuffled away. He hated college. But he couldn’t just up and audition for the Bikini Bottom orchestra and start his career now, he needed that bachelor’s of music. It was the only thing keeping him from dropping out.

 

Finally, finally, finally, after what felt like decades, he found the dorm. 1698. A far cry from 1617, but as far as he was concerned, the farther away from William the better.

 

An excruciatingly tired arm reached up to knock on the door. To his surprise, the man on the other side was a good foot shorter than him. “Hiya!” he beamed, big bright blue eyes shining up at the man that was to be his new roommate. “You must be Edward! I’m Bobby, and that’s Patrick!” he thrusted an arm towards the larger fellow sitting on the bottom bunk, eating a bag of potato chips who gave a smile and wave upon hearing his name. Edward opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by the strawberry blonde in the doorway gasping “Oh where are my manners? Look at all those bags! Let me take some for you.”

 

And he did, before Edward had a chance to protest. Following the shorter man into the room, he listened as Bobby continued to ramble “Our last roommate had the spare bed, and Patrick and I are just so comfortable in the bunks that we figured we’d just stay there and leave the spare to you. I hope that’s alright.”

 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Edward replied quietly, almost distantly. Better than fine, actually. He’d expected to be delegated to top bunk. Not having to use the top bunk at all? Well, that he could get used to. “What happened to your last roommate, anyhow?” he asked, in an attempt to make light conversation as he began the unpacking process.

 

“Dropped out.” The other one….Patrick?...answered curtly. 

 

“Ah.” was Edward’s only response.

 

Wanting to get to know his new roommate - whom he was sure was going to be his new best friend - Bobby questioned “Are you a first year? What’s your major?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, first year. Music major.” Edward’s mind was elsewhere, not that Bobby could tell.

 

“Music?!? What instrument do you play?? Are you part of the pep band?? If we go to the games can we cheer you on?? You know I wanted to be the mascot but they told me I was too short…”

 

Patrick put his headphones in order to finish watching the next episode of Mermaid Man on Netflix. He loved Bobby, but he was glad that he found someone else to talk to for a minute or two.

  
  


* * *

 

 

 

The campus only had one restaurant where they allowed students to work, and Eugene Krabs was the first to ever be promoted all the way up to manager. And the pay raised  _ helped _ , although it did put another strain on his friendship with Sheldon, who’d quit as soon as he heard the news. Sheldon used to be his best friend, but with so much else going on…

 

...of course, he hadn’t told him what was going on. How could he? Sheldon had been his very best friend in life, but the news had rattled Eugene to his very core. He didn’t need his best friend getting it all second hand. It didn’t effect Sheldon, anyway. (Well, other than his quitting. But he had always been a sore loser.)

 

But with the new responsibilities that came with being the manager, he’d had to switch from full time student to part time student. Which was fine by him. Less tuition fees, more money for his pocket. And boy oh boy, did he love the sound of having more money is his pocket.

 

Eugene was shaken out of his thoughts with the happy cry of “Good morning, Mr. Krabs!”

 

“Bobby, how many time do I have to remind ya? Ya can call me Eugene. I’m only three years older than ya.”

 

With a defiant shake of his head, he replied “No sir, Mr. Krabs! You’re in a position of authority and deserve to be addressed as such!”

 

There was no changing this boy’s mind. In an odd way, he sort of respected that about him. “Hurry up and wash your hands, we’re opening soon.”

 

“Mr. Krabs?” Bobby asked as he turned the faucet on. “Are we still hiring for a new cashier?”

 

“Aye…” uh oh. He’d met Bobby’s friend Patrick, and as far as he knew, Patrick was just about the boy’s only friend. And he was absolutely not hiring that slob to come work here.

 

There was a pause as the faucet shut on and sound of paper towel being ripped to dry hands was heard before Bobby’s voice again “Patrick and I got a new roommate, ya see, and he’s really looking for something to do outside of band practice. So I thought, maybe, you could possibly give him an interview?”

 

Eugene sighed, but found himself nodding his head. At least it wasn’t Patrick. But it would never be Sheldon. Sure, the boy was a bit...off...but he had a better work ethic of anyone he knew. Eugene wondered that if maybe he just told him that he took the manager position because...well...he knocked his girlfriend up, there was a baby on the way...he’d forgive him and come back. But he also knew Sheldon could hold a grudge longer than anyone, no matter what the circumstance.

 

* * *

 

 

Tap. Tap. Tap tap tap tap. 

 

The only sound that could be heard from her dorm was her fingers flying across the keyboard. The essay wasn’t due for another two weeks, but she was determined to get it done today. She knew her sources were all cited correctly, at this point all that stood between Karen and the editing stage was her conclusion paragraph. 

 

Her eyes did tear away from the computer screen for a brief moment when she saw another missed call from Sheldon. Alongside 18 unread text messages and the two voicemails he’d left. Couldn’t he tell she was busy?

 

She went back to typing out the sentence, but only got seven words done before a knock on her door made her jump. “God, don't scare me like that.” she chastised as she opened the door for her boyfriend to come in.

 

A smirk took over his features as he responded, automatically “I'm actually not a god, but I can see why you were confused.”

 

“Shut up, Sheldon.” She deadpanned, leaving him in the doorway as she returned to her essay. Just a few more sentences and she'd be done with the construction of the paper.

 

Normally, constructing a few sentences to close an essay would take her no time at all. That being said, she normally didn't have her boyfriends hands on her shoulders, rubbing them lovingly as he countered “You know, I wouldn't have scared you if you had answered your phone.”

 

“I’m busy.” Karen replied back in her best monotone, trying to not to let the sensation of his fingers digging into her show any effect. “Working on this essay.”

 

“Always busy, always working…” he moved, suddenly, she realized, as she could feel the warmth of his lips against her earlobe as he offered “...you need to relax, Karen.”

 

This was exactly why she didn’t want a relationship. All she wanted was to focus on her studies, graduate top of her class. She didn’t want distractions, which is exactly what he was. A very attractive, very sexy distraction, and a distraction who she could talk at lengths with and not feel bored with the conversation, but a distraction nonetheless. Then again, it wasn’t like she went out in search of a relationship when she’d met Sheldon. He found her. And things were almost too good to be true, as far as college boyfriends go. She would’ve been an idiot to say no.

 

There was a hiccup in her tense, monotonous exterior as his lips left her ear and began slowly suckling their way down her neck. She could feel his goddamn smirk against her flesh as she let out a loud moan. “Fiiiiiiiine, what did you want to to talk about so badly that it couldn’t wait until I was finished?”

 

* * *

  
  


 

The longer Edward roomed with them (which was a solid six hours at this point) the more comfortable Patrick became. He stopped trying to keep his laughter in as he binged the latest exploits of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. He didn't even notice the first six glares he received from his new roommate, who was doing a very good job of making his clarinet sound like a dying cat. The seventh glare, however, well, he DID see that one. Removing his headphones from over his ears and allowing them to dangle over his neck, he asked “is everything okay over there? You look a little stressed.”

 

There was a visible cringe on the taller’s face, though he doubted that Patrick noticed. “Oh really?” Edward feigned obliviousness “do I  _ seem  _ stressed?”

 

“Well….yeah.” Patrick answered honestly. 

 

“Noooooooo,” the sarcasm rolled of his tongue like butter on a hot country biscuit “I'm not stressed. Why would I be stressed? It's not like I'm trying to rehearse for a huge recital that's worth the majority of my grade for the term but I keep getting interrupted by imbecilic chuckling.”

 

“Oh good!” Patrick grinned after letting out a sigh of relief. “Just checking.” And with that he lifted his headphones back up over his ears, another light guffaw escaping as Barnacle Boy quoted one of the series’ many in-jokes.

 

Edward really felt the need to restrain himself from hitting Patrick over the head with his clarinet. It took a lot to just sigh and push forward with his rehearsal. Of all of the atrocities that had gone on while living with William, at least he’d appreciated  **_art_ ** . He managed to get out a single E note before the dorm slammed open, causing him to jump. Patrick, he’d noticed, was entirely unphased.

 

“You guys!” Bobby gasped. “You won’t believe what just happened!”

 

“An elephant broke into the grocery store and stole all the peanuts?” Patrick guessed.

 

Bobby shook his head, his voice warm as he dejected “No, but good try.”

 

Raising an eyebrow, Edward questioned “So what  _ did  _ happen?”

 

Shifting back and forth between his heels and his tiptoes, hands moving back and forth with his body sway, Bobby beamed “I made a new friend!”

 

“Oh!” Patrick smiled “that sounds nice!”

 

“Really?” Edward’s other eyebrow now raised to match the other, voice dripping in skepticism as he questioned “That was the big important news you just  _ had  _ to come share?”

 

* * *

 

 

Sandra Jennifer Cheeks was not at all surprised when she got kicked out of her sorority. If anything, she was surprised that she hadn't been kicked out sooner. She'd only been accepted in because she was the daughter of alumni. But she and her mother were two completely women. Sandra liked science and martial arts and the great outdoors. Her mother liked networking and drinking cocktails and hosting charity events. And none of her mother’s pursuits were bad by any means, but they just weren't compatible. 

 

And Sandra  _ hated  _ being called her full name. She  _ much  _ preferred Sandy, but her mother insisted on calling her Sandra at all times. And so did the sorority girls. But she wasn't Sandra, daughter of their former president. She was Sandy, first year engineering student here on a full scholarship. She loved her mother, but she was her own person, and her former sorority sisters just couldn't see that.

 

Not that it had surprised her. Sandy didn't expect to fit into sorority life. She hadn't fit in anywhere else. She was doomed to a life of sticking out like a sore thumb. 

 

So when she walked into the main dorm building, there was no sulking. She walked in confidently, with her head held high. Sandy Cheeks was not a sob story, she was a forced to be reckoned with.

 

Although she did soon realize that maybe she shouldn't have held her head  _ quite  _ so high, as she hadn't seen the other student before literally colliding into his body. “Oh sweet creamed corn,” she muttered under her breath, before offering a hand to the body on the floor. “I'm so sorry.”

 

“Sorry?!?” He asked, blue eyes shining with a bubbly laugh escaping as he cried “that was fun! Like bumper cars, but with people!”

 

Sandy felt a laugh escape as she commented “well, that certainly is one way to look at it.”

 

Taking her hand to hoist himself up, the boy decided it best to introduce himself, so he began shaking it. “I’m Bobby, by the way! I don’t think we’ve met.”

 

“Can’t say we have.” she smiled, shaking his hand in return “I’m Sandy.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sheldon James Plankton was an incredibly selfish man. He’d be the first to tell you that. He willingly ruined the lives of people he was close to, people he cared about, if the outcome had some sort of benefit to him. And now, he was about to ruin the life of the only person he ever truly loved, for what he perceived to be the biggest gain of any of his previous life ruining exploits.

 

There was a brief moment, nibbling now on her neck, that he almost changed his mind. He almost decided that she was too important. That her future was too bright to destroy. That he might actually harvest some guilt over it after the fact. But as she moaned “Fiiiiiiiine, what did you want to to talk about so badly that it couldn’t wait until I was finished?” he knew it was too late to back out.

 

He eyed the chair, raised his eyebrow, and tilted his head. She knew what that meant. They’d done it too many times to count. She rolled her eyes, and made a very large show of reluctantly climbing out of her chair and allowing him to sit, before seating herself on his lap. He could tell she was trying to not purr as his fingers began running through her hair, her head instinctively tucked into the crook of his neck. “Have you ever met someone who made you question your own moral code?”

 

“What did Eugene do this time?” Karen mumbled into his neck, her tone very, very bored.

 

He inhaled, not because of what she said, but because he loved smelling her hair. “It’s not entirely about him. He’s the catalyst, for sure, but he’s not the person I was talking about.”

 

“Oh?” he swore he could feel her eyebrow raise, but he supposed he just knew that it did because he knew her so well. 

 

His fingers, still running though her hair, slowed in pace, but increased in pressure. “Eugene moved to part time student status. All those plans we made back in high school, graduate and get to opening our restaurant right away, ruined. But then I got to thinking, what if…” he paused now, tilting his head to look Karen in the eyes (as best as he could with only having one eye himself), the particular shade of grey being well committed to his memory. “...what if you were my partner?”

 

“That makes no sense.” she deadpanned.

 

“No no no,” his voice began rising with a genuine excitement, “it makes perfect sense! We already work well together, you’ve got the brains to be the business half of the restaurant, and-” This was it. There was no going back now. He was going to ruin her entire life with his selfishness. “people love family run business. It’s foolproof.”

 

“I have no experience in-”

 

“Karen.” he interrupted, his tone severe. “That’s not what I’m asking.”

 

“Then what  _ are  _ you asking?”

 

Hand pulling the small box out of his pocket, he stated, very clearly. “I’m asking you to marry me.”

 


	2. 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Team of Tres finally meet, Edward interviews for a cashier position, and Karen doesn't want to give Sheldon a straight answer.

“This better be a joke.” Karen deadpanned. This wasn’t happening. There’s no way this was actually happening. She couldn’t wrap her head around it. It did not compute.

 

Sheldon sat facing her still, tone and face unwavering as he answered “It’s not.”

 

Slowly her boyfriend opened the box, exposing the engagement ring it held. Karen’s eyes widened, but her monotone did not falter as she gasped “That better be cubic zirconia.”

 

“It’s not.”

 

She immediately hopped out of his lap, and began pacing around the room, fingers pressing into her temple “Why… why...why...why...why did you...why are you...you said…”

 

Sheldon hopped out of her chair, his stance and voice defensive “I started this conversation by saying I’ve had a change in my moral code! You can’t fault me for this! I tried to warn you!”

 

“I thought you meant you were willing to physically harm someone for doing you wrong! Not deciding you suddenly want to propose to your college girlfriend!” she cried.

 

When they’d reached their one year anniversary, it had been a serious discussion between the two. Sheldon had confessed at the time that he thought anyone who married their high school or college sweetheart was settling, and Karen had agreed. He’d also confessed that he never planned on marrying anyone, and that if he ever did meet someone he felt compelled to commit to in a big fancy ceremony that he wouldn’t support the diamond industry. No person alive was worth that, he’d said. Though neither of them had said it out loud at the time, they both knew the plan. If they could get through college together, great. But they were going on entirely separate paths post graduation, so a mutual break up with no hurt feelings was ideal for both of them.

 

But that had been a year and a half ago. And in that year and a half, he decided that Karen wasn’t just his college girlfriend, Karen was _his._ And he was never good at sharing. “You think this is _sudden_ ?!? You think I can just up and afford something like _this_ -” he shook the box that was still in his hand. “-on a whim?”

 

“So then why bring up Eugene and the restaurant?” She questioned, her voice still angry, but she was no longer shouting.

 

“Because that’s what made me decide to do it **now**.” he explained. “I was going to wait until graduation. But you would’ve said no then. You would’ve had a job lined up and the plan was-”

 

“I’m not saying yes now, either!” she cried.

 

“I know that!” he screamed back. “But there was a chance you _might_ have!”

 

Karen let out a groan before dramatically throwing herself onto her bed “What were you expecting out of this, Sheldon? That I’d give up my hopes and dreams to settle for mediocrity?”

 

“You think I’m mediocre?!?”

 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” she snapped.

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m sure you two are going to get along swimmingly!” Bobby beamed, as he dragged Patrick down the hallway towards the meal hall.

 

Patrick allowed himself to be dragged along. It was the only form of resistance he could bother with at the moment. “I don’t want to go eat with you and your girlfriend.”

 

“Sandy’s not my girlfriend, Patrick.” Bobby explained for the eighth time, fighting to stop his eyes from rolling. “Is she a girl? Yes! Is she my friend? Yes! Is she pretty? Yes! But that doesn’t make her my girlfriend. After all, you’re a boy and you’re my friend and you’re pretty but that doesn’t make you my boyfriend now, does it?”

 

“If I was your boyfriend I’d be really upset that you had a girlfriend.” Patrick laughed.

 

“Not if you liked her just as much as I did!” Bobby grinned happily. “Which is what I’m sure will happen when you meet Sandy!”

 

“It’s just…” Patrick stopped allowing himself to be pulled along by his smaller, weaker roommate. Bobby stopped, and turned to face his best friend. “...you know how I get around cute girls. Or cute guys.”

 

Bobby nodded. Patrick wasn’t the best with new social situations, especially around those he found physically attractive. And Sandy was physically attractive. Or at least, Bobby thought so. But she was also one of the nicest and most positive people he’d met. He knew she’d be patient with him. But he also knew the turmoil Patrick must have been feeling. “Sandy’s sweet, I promise.” he tried to persuade. “It might be a little awkward just at first, but she’ll be really nice.”

 

“Yeah?” Patrick asked anxiously “But what if she’s too nice and then I get even worse?”

 

Hmm. Bobby hadn’t thought of that possibility. What would they do in that situation? He really wanted his two friends to meet, but he also didn’t want Patrick to be put in such a negative situation. After scrunching his face muscles tightly together in order to help think better, he had an idea. “What if we came up with a secret code word!”

 

“A secret codeword?”

“Yeah!” Bobby was excited. Boy oh boy was this a great idea! “We’ll come up with a secret codeword, and if things get too awkward with Sandy, you can just say the word and I’ll come up with an excuse to get you out of there!”

 

Patrick’s nervous expression turned into a relieved smile. “Let’s do it!”

 

“We just have to think of a word!” Bobby pursed his lips for a moment, tapping his chin before suggesting “What about...pineapple?”

 

“I love pineapple!” Patrick cried happily. “It’s really good in smoothies.”

 

Bobby grinned “Pineapple it is!” Grabbing his roommate’s hand again, he continued out dragging him down the hallway and out the door “Now let’s go get some lunch!”

 

* * *

 

 

Blue fingernails fidgeted with his resume nervously. Should he have taken off his nail polish before the interview? Did he really even want the job, or did he just want something to take his mind off of William?

 

While moving out had undoubtedly helped, it was still difficult to get away from the mindset. After all, he was Edward’s first, and so far, only. Coming out in a small town was difficult. He had his mother, who always loved and supported him, and he had William, the boy who made him come out in the first place. They had everything in common. They liked the same music, they liked same clothes, they liked the same art, they both wanted to move from their small town to the brighter city of Bikini Bottom, where they both wanted to study music and end up in the Bikini Bottom orchestra. They had shared everything, and now that Edward was on his own, he was finding it difficult to have his own identity without questioning every single move he made.

 

He was stirred from his thoughts with a gruff voice called “Edward, is it?”  


The younger of the two was shocked that the man interviewing him did not appear to be significantly older than he was himself. He stood up as his name was called, nervously offering his trembling arm out for the other man to shake “Yes, Mr. Krabs, is it?”

 

“Eugene Krabs. You can call me Eugene.”

 

Edward raised an eyebrow skeptically “This isn’t a test, is it? If I call you the wrong thing I already failed the interview?”

 

A hearty chuckle escaped Eugene’s lips “No, but I like the way you think. The world is nothing but a series of obstacles for you to overcome. And if you can make money while doing it, that’s where the real success comes from.”

Well. Circle got a square peg on that one. “Money does make the world go round.” he offered weakly.

 

“I knew I liked the way you think!” Eugene smiled. Oh yes. He was a good one. “So, you’re a friend of Bobby’s, then?”

 

“I wouldn’t exactly call us friends.” he scoffed, with a roll of his eyes. “Acquaintances at most. Brand new roommate.”

 

“I see.” Edward noticed that Eugene was making a note of that, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. “And do you have any previous work experience?”

 

“Nothing paid. All volunteer work back home.”

 

“And back home was where, exactly?”

 

Edward sighed dramatically “Small town east of nowhere.”

 

“Coming to Bikini Bottom for your shot at the big time?” Eugene questioned “Big city life?”

 

Edward rolled his eyes “Well I certainly didn’t come to be the cashier at a fast food joint.”

 

“And yet here you are.”

 

“Life makes surprising turns.” Edward sneered. He already lost the job, he was sure. No sense in hiding his disdain now.

 

Eugene sighed, “You’re sure right about that, Mr. Edward.” he stood up, offering his hand to Edward. He knew what was happening. They’d shake hands, and Edward would never hear from them again. Bobby may ask about the interview, he seemed like the kind of kid who was genuinely interested in the lives of others, but that would be the last either of the two in the room would ever think of it.

 

So imagine his surprise when Eugene shook his hand, grinning “Well, congratulations, you’ve got the job.”

 

* * *

 

 

The meal hall was full, and Sandy felt more than a little lost. Sure, she’d been in it plenty of times up until now, but she was never able to quite get her bearings on the constantly changing assortment of offerings. The smells of beef and cheese circulated in the air as she dizzly grabbed a sandwich, and moved on to look for Bobby. They had the same two hour break on Wednesdays, and he’d suggested they grab lunch together, along with his roommate. And Sandy could use some new friends. If this Patrick kid was anything like Bobby, she’d be more than happy to consider him a friend. It beat the sorority girls.

 

It took a minute, but she saw a familiar face smiling and waving her over to the table. There he was, just like he said he would be. And the guy with the pink hair she assumed was his roommate.

 

“I don’t know about this, Bobby.” Patrick whispered as Sandy made eye contact, happily waving back.

 

Bobby stopped waving long enough to look back at his best friend and roommate, reminding him “All you have to say is the secret codeword and we’ll leave. I promise. But I’m sure you won’t have to.”

 

“Won’t have to do what?” Sandy asked as she sat down with the pair, before taking a bite of her sandwich.

 

Patrick glanced at Bobby anxiously. Luckily, the boy had it covered “Nothing important! Just a little roommate talk.”

 

“And how’s the new one working out?” Sandy questioned, mouth still full of meat and bread “Edwin, or something?”

 

“Edward.” Bobby corrected automatically. For such a smart girl, she sure was bad with names. “And he’s a little crankier in the mornings than Patrick or I, but he’s still good!”

 

Patrick stifled a chuckle “A little cranky. And I’m a little lazy.”

 

Bobby started giggling, and Sandy raised an eyebrow “So, are you lazy, or….?”

 

“Oh yeah, I’m the worst.” Patrick found himself at a total ease. Bobby was right. Sandy seemed nice. She didn’t look like she was judging him at all, and she talked with food in her mouth, just like he did. “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?”

 

Sandy tried not to giggle, but found herself doing so anyway, causing some of her chewed food to bubble at her lip. “Well, that is certainly one philosophy to build your life around.”

 

“Hey!” Patrick grinned “That’s exactly what I’m studying!”

 

“Philosophy?” Sandy questioned, and smiled when he nodded in affirmation. “That’s a lot of reading, I hope you get it, cause I sure as heck fell asleep in my high school class for it. That’s why I’m into science, engineering. It’s mostly all numbers, and the reading’s all practical.”

 

“Woah, engineering?” Patrick gasped “Could you build the invisible boat mobile?”

 

“Well right now I can’t!” Sandy exclaimed “I’m still only in my first year. Ask me again when I graduate. I’m sure by then I’ll have the invisible mechanics down pat.”

 

Bobby smiled. He loved watching his friends get along.

 

Before Sandy took a sip of her water, she asked “And what’s your major again, Bobby?”

 

“Oh!” his eyes widened “It’s funny you should ask.”

 

* * *

 

 

“You think I’m mediocre?!?” the words had wounded him. Like a cut on your leg that you thought had healed, until you scratch it again and the blood gushed as if it was the first time again. Sheldon J Plankton was a lot of things. Mediocre was not on that list.

 

His girlfriend - his would-be fiance, was still lying on her bed as she snapped “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

 

“Then do go on, Karen.” his tone was threatening. He hated being this way with her. She was the only person he never felt like he had to outsmart, to one up. She was his equal, his partner, his other half. Her success was his success. This tone was usually reserved for when he was trying to make someone feel stupid. And he didn’t want to do that to her. “Tell me what you meant.”

 

“I don’t want to be expected to give up on my dreams.” she stated boredly “To be a doting little housewife.”

 

For a brief moment, Sheldon froze. _Doting little housewife_ was never on the agenda. He sighed, moving to sit next to her on her bed. “I really do want you as business partner. I want your help, your expertise. I know nothing about marketing. Even if you broke up with me right now, there’s still no one else I’d rather run my future company with.”

 

Sitting up with a groan, Karen questioned “Even Eugene?”

 

“Even Eugene.” he nodded “He’s flaked out on me before. He’s put in me in harm’s way,” he chuckled lightly, adjusting his eyepatch, before taking his girlfriend’s hand in his “You never have. And I want to run this with you as my wife, not as my ex-girlfriend. But I’ll take what I can get.”

 

Hearing the words ‘ _my wife_ ’ fall out of his mouth caused something in her to stir. The thought of marrying Sheldon had passed through her mind before, but never the aftermath. Never the visuals of having Sheldon as a husband. And now that she was thinking about it, she felt all of her insides squeeze together. It was both warm and uncomfortable.

 

“Just think about it.” he pressed, squeezing her hand in his. “I don’t need an answer today. Although sometime this week would be preferable.”

 

“I’ll mull it over.” she agreed, while releasing his hand just long enough to grab it again, this time interlacing their fingers.

 

She was beautiful. He knew that she knew he thought so, he told her all the time. But sitting on the bed, the window’s natural light coming through and catching her lilac hair made him all the more aware of how stunning she was. “I…” he stopped, for a second, “...I should probably get going. Let you work on that essay.”

 

A pout crossed her lips. He tried not to get too excited. “All this thinking about marriage and business management is going to be too distracting. You spoiled it.”

  
He smiled, letting go of her hand, as he slowly ran his from her hip to just under her bra and back again, as he smirked “Well then, let me spoil _you_ , honey. For the inconvenience I caused.”


	3. 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we follow Eugene, Bobby, and Edward on a typical work day, and Karen answers Sheldon's question.

The alarm went off the same time it went off every morning. With a tired yawn, Eugene Krabs pulled himself out of bed, the same way he did every other morning since getting this promotion. 

 

And just like every other morning, he started his day by checking his phone. No news yet, and he took it that no news was good news. It was almost frightening how easy it was to forget that he had a kid on the way. How quickly the thought could slip his mind. He often felt guilty. What about his girlfriend? There was no chance she felt that way. She had their future child literally growing inside of her. 

 

Sometimes he felt like he should quit school altogether, get a full time job somewhere, settle down and start his family life the right away, fully focused on his kid and his woman. But then, he’d spent way too much money getting into college in the first place. What a waste it would be if he left in his fourth year, degreeless. 

 

So he got up, same as every other morning, and brushed his teeth. He washed his face and hands and changed into some clean clothes. And then, ensuring he had everything he needed for the day, he locked the door behind him to head into work.

 

There were days when the thought of working without Sheldon still left him feeling a little incomplete. After all, the pair had made plans back when they were 15. They worked together, they went to school together, and they were going to open their own restaurant together. Things first started falling through the cracks when Sheldon started getting distracted with  _ Karen _ . 

 

Karen, and her purple hair, and her own business ideas, and her ability to keep his best friend wrapped around her little finger. Sheldon had never called in sick for work before he met her. Eugene was sure his grades must have suffered, too, as every class they shared was spent making googoo eyes at each other, and any class he was in without her was spent texting her. Sheldon was infatuated with the girl, and it was muddying his thinking. It just wasn’t good for business. That didn’t mean Eugene didn’t miss working with him, though. They were still best friends, after all, even if Sheldon’s departure from the restaurant seemed like it may have been the final nail in the coffin.

 

Eugene sighed, shaking his head before getting the keys to unlock the backdoor. He didn’t have time to worry about Sheldon right now. He had a baby on the way and a restaurant to run. Far more important matters to be focusing on.

 

* * *

 

“Oh boy, Edward!” Bobby inhaled sharply, letting an exhale out through a smile. “Our first weekend shift together! Isn’t this exciting?!?”

 

Resting sourpuss face never faltering, the taller of the two deadpanned “I can barely contain myself.”

 

“You’re doing a pretty good job of it.” Eugene chortled as he walked by “You boys ready to open her up?”

 

“Yes sir, Mr. Krabs!” Bobby replied, with as much heart and enthusiasm as ever. Say what Edward would about the boy, he honestly loved his job. 

 

Edward, meanwhile, just let out a nihilistic sigh of “I’ve got nothing better to do.”

 

“That’s the spirit!” Eugene cried, unlocking the front door of the campus restaurant “Come on in, Bikini Bottom University students! We’re open!”

 

And it only took a handful of minutes before the students started pouring in. Edward, Eugene was pleasantly surprised to find out, was very good at moving the customer’s quickly and correctly, even if he didn’t necessarily have the best attitude. 

 

“Next guest!” he cried, not because he necessarily wanted to be helpful, but because it was getting more and more crowded and he wanted to be heard, heavens forbid he was cursed out by a guest who didn’t know it was their turn to order.

 

Sandy happily skipped up to the counter “Just a cola please. Whichever brand you have.”

 

Edward raised an eyebrow at the girl in skepticism. “Seriously?” he questioned “You came all the way over here just to get a soda?”

 

“Well I also wanted to talk to Bobby, ya know, if’n he wasn’t too busy…” she admitted, peering over Edward’s shoulder to try to catch a glimpse of the fry cook. He was the one who told her to come visit him at work, after all.

 

She did eventually catch his attention, causing his eyes to widen with excitement, as he smiled and cried “Hi Sandy!!” from behind the counter.

 

Edward rolled his eyes. Of course, he could flip burgers and deep fry french fries while still making chitchat with his friends. Because what couldn’t this kid do in terms of shining at this job? He could probably run the whole place blindfolded. And the customer’s seemed to really enjoy the food, which just proved that not only could Bobby make the food fast, he could make it well. Not that Edward was  _ jealous. _

 

“Hey Bobby!” Sandy grinned, moving towards the expo window after leaving her three dollars with Edward. “How goes work?”

 

“Not too shabby for first thing after opening!” the strawberry blonde beamed, handing her the soda she ordered. “Edward over there is an absolute natural! I don’t know what we did without him.”

 

“Say, what happened to the weird guy with the eyepatch who used to work here?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Haven’t seen him around in a while.”

 

“Sheldon?” Bobby asked, while moving the fries out of the deep fryer. “He quit. Not really sure why. Shame, I miss talking to him. But, now I get to work with Edward! Every cloud has a silver lining!”

 

* * *

 

 

Sandy had long since departed. The lunch rush was over, and Eugene was heading between Bobby and Edward to give them the numbers for today so far. He paused, momentarily, as he saw Bobby cleaning Edward’s work station, while Edward stood by slipping through a book that did not seem like required reading. A part of Eugene questioned saying something, but then remembered Sheldon often had Bobby do his tasks for him, and realized Bobby was probably doing it out of habit, not because Edward told him to.

 

“Who’s ready for the good news?” Eugene questioned.

 

Edward languidly raised an eyebrow “I can’t tell if that’s meant to be sarcasm or not.”

 

“You boys broke store records today!” Eugene smiled. “More customer’s served, more gross earned than ever before! Previous record held by myself and…” he paused, raising an eyebrow at Bobby “He who shall not be named…” Bobby nodded nervously. Edward looked at him like he was crazy. “...have been totally shattered! And to think, it’s only Edward’s first day!”

 

“Wait wait wait and second,” Edward interrupted, raising his hands up in protest. “He who shall not be named? Voldemort worked here?”

 

Bobby giggled nervously “He wasn’t quite Voldemort. And he was missing an eye, not a nose.”

 

“Missing an  _ eye _ ?!?” Edward’s voice raised in panic “Please tell me he was already missing it before he started working here.”

 

“Of course he was.” Eugene waved a hand dismissively. 

 

“But Mr. Krabs,” Bobby interrupted “What did happen to his eye? He never did tell me, he only ever said it was your fault.”

 

Eugene rolled his eyes “So the little cretin still blames me, eh? I am not to blame for his missing eyeball and he knows it!”

 

“This is weird.” Edward shook his head “Who was he, why was he missing an eye, and why aren’t you telling me his name?”

 

“His name is Sheldon.” Eugene admitted with a sigh “We were best friends since grade school. Joined at the hip, you might say. We worked together in high school, and we worked together here up until he quit. Still a pretty fresh wound, given all he and I had been through together. You were hired as his replacement.”

 

Edward nodded slowly. “Okay. What about his eye?”

 

Eugene ignored the question. “But back to what I wanted to talk to you boys about! The smashed record! You’re an amazing team, and I want you working together more often. It’s good for business, and employee of the month is coming up. I think you both have a real shot at it!”

 

As Eugene walked away, Edward looked at Bobby to state “He never did answer the question about the missing eye.”

 

“I know it happened in high school.” Bobby offered “But that’s all Sheldon ever told me. I don’t think you need to worry about it.” the small pat Bobby placed on Edward’s shoulder did nothing to comfort him. He made a mental note there and then to not cross Eugene’s bad side. He needed both his eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

Employee of the Month. Wow. Bobby was in a daze the rest of the afternoon. He could really earn that prestigious title! Bobby was good at a lot of things, but not the sort of stuff you could win awards for. There was no Best Bubble Blower Award. No certificate for eating a lot of ice cream. His third grade talent show didn’t even let him play the kazoo through his nose - a talent he thought would wow his elementary school. But employee of the month? Recognition just for doing a good job working at the best place he ever worked? And he was already in consideration? The boy was teetering with excitement. 

 

He needed to tell someone. But who could he tell? He knew he’d already talked Edward’s ear off about it. Besides, with the amazing job Edward had done so far on his very first day, there was a good chance he was just as excited about the possibility of getting the title for himself. Bobby wouldn’t blame Eugene and the other higher ups if they gave it to Edward. But man oh man, did Bobby want it. More than he wanted to see the new Mermaid Man movie, more than he’d wanted to be on the cheer squad, he wanted to be employee of the month.

 

“Oh great,” Edward muttered under his breath, shaking Bobby out of his inner monologue. 

He looked up to see what he was referring to, and lit up at the sight of Patrick coming through the door. This really _ was _ great!

 

“Oh hey, Edward!” Patrick greeted, sounding pleasantly surprised upon seeing his newer roommate. 

 

“Patrick.” Edward greeted apathetically. “What are you ordering?”

 

“I hadn’t gotten that far ahead yet.” Patrick admitted sheepishly. “Uh, Edward, what do you like from the menu?”

 

“None of it.” he deadpanned. He let out a sigh, before adding “But Bobby is apparently the best burger flipper around, so you may want to give a burger a try.”

 

Patrick ordered, paid and Edward let out a sigh of relief as he walked over to the expo window so he could bother Bobby instead. He’d much rather deal with tuning them out in the background than having to feign interest in a conversation with either of them.

 

“Patrick!” Bobby gasped excitedly. “You’ll never guess what Mr. Krabs told me today!”

 

Patrick thought long and hard, eyebrows furrowed before he guessed “The spirit of Christmas compelled him to put on a show that will teach Bikini Bottom about true selfless love!”

 

“A wonderful guess, Patrick,” Bobby smiled politely “But no. As lovely as that sounds. But what he did say is also very exciting!”

 

Patrick nodded in interested “So? What did he tell you?”

 

“I might be employee of the month!” Bobby was practically vibrating as he spoke the words out loud. It was all like a wonderful dream come true!

  
  


* * *

 

 

Edward had seen many faces come and go so far today. That included Patrick, who ended up coming back in a second time because he’d forgotten to actually get his burger the first time. But he could honestly say that he hadn’t seen a customer with only one eye until right now.

 

To be fair, he was making the assumption that this guy who wandered in, quietly ordered, didn’t make eye contact with himself or Bobby, and was wearing an eyepatch was the aforementioned Sheldon. He didn’t dare ask Bobby, for fear of being heard. But once the guy was comfortably seated, he immediately called the assistant manager’s office, letting Eugene know “There’s something on the floor that needs your attention.”

 

And there wasn’t anything inherently wrong about the guy’s behaviour. He was just eating a burger, living his life. But Edward couldn’t help but want a little drama to spice up the day. Besides, he was hoping to get more information about the guy he was working for after he heard that he was the reason Sheldon lost an eye. What better way to find out than by watching him get into it with an ex-best friend?

 

Before Eugene had the chance to walk onto the floor, Edward witnessed a woman with purple hair throw open the door, stomp over to where Sheldon was eating, and hit the side of his head as she cried “Why aren’t you answering your phone?!? You had me worried sick!”

 

“I’m trying to eat, Karen!” Sheldon cried as his girlfriend slid onto the chair next to him. “Can’t I digest nutrients in peace?”

 

“Not when those nutrients are from the place you angrily quit three weeks ago, you can’t.” she chastised. “And turn your phone on! I’ve been trying to contact you for two hours!”

 

He groaned, and rolled his eyes, but he was already melting into her whim. He couldn’t stay mad at her. Especially when she’d been worked into a worry over him. “What did you want?”

 

Karen sighed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, before reaching out and taking Sheldon’s hand in her own. “I was thinking about the question you asked me. And I have an answer for you.”

 

Eugene finally stepped out, noting that Sheldon was in the vicinity. He moved close enough to watch and eavesdrop, but not close enough to cause a scene. 

 

“Am I going to like your answer?” Sheldon looked at Karen raising an eyebrow.

 

Her cheeks flushed, wiggling the hand she held his in as she instructed “You tell me.”

 

As his gaze landed on her hand, his entire face lit up. He was absolutely awestricken. “You’re...you’re wearing it…”

 

“I am.” she nodded, grinning from ear to ear. “Yes. I want to marry you. I want to help you open this restaurant. I want to be Mrs. Sheldon Plankton.”

 

Eugene watched as Sheldon cupped her cheeks before the two kissed enthusiastically, not the first time they’d done so in the restaurant. And he’d thought that meeting Karen had been the final nail in the coffin. Opening their restaurant? With her in his place?

 

Eugene could tell when he was not wanted. And he could definitely tell when a friendship was laid to rest.


End file.
